just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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