So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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