im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
