Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
