dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
