i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
