I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
