Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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