btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
