it hurts more in the daytime
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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