How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
