I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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