I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
