she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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