If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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