how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
