It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
