I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
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Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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