Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
