Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
