She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
