the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
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College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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