what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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