you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
