I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
God, you're like boner-b-gone
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
