I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
