You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
