Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
