Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.