Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
