you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
