i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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