am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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