I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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