I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want to be your penis for a week.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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