Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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