Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
