I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
