i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
