Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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