I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
