Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
