As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
