You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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