why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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