He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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