I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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