i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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