we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
