Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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