so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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