I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
