So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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