I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
