so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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