he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize