Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
