i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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