Got a toothbrush?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I did not marry a roomba.
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