if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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