i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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