i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
